‘Are You The One?’ Recap: It’s A Leotard, You Ignorant Slut

We’re back for another episode of that will hopefully have a match-up ceremony, unlike the last episode. Between Ryan Devlin’s mysterious disappearance and the lack of beam ceremony thing, this season is disappointing me. 

AT THE HOUSE

Audrey is like “this house is so fun!!! It’s the best!!!” Sweet, stupid Audrey. In a week this will be her personal hell.

Malcolm tells Shad about how he made out with “Pocahontas,” aka Nurys, and asks him for advice, which seems like the blind leading the mentally incompetent, if you ask me.

Clinton is like, “Our lord and savior says we should not judge others, but I think Jesus can agree that Malcolm is shady, and I’m better than him.” Preach.

There is always one person on this show whose voice makes me want to stick screwdrivers in my ear drums and this year that voice belongs to Geles. You realize you can breathe through your mouth right? *cough cough* you nasally bitch *cough*

Geles is talking to Anthony like I talk to my dog—“You’re such a good boy, so well behaved!!!!” They are getting to know each other, and Anthony is like, “I’ve never cheated on anyone, it’s fucked up, blah,” and Geles is like, “OH I FUCK EVERYONE.”

GELES: I like attention all the time, and if he takes three minutes to use the bathroom, I’m going to fuck his best friend.

Anthony and Geles kiss and she’s like, “Should I tell my grandparents about us? Do you prefer a spring wedding or a fall wedding?” Is this wedding going to take place before or after you shadily run train on all of Anthony’s friends behind his back?

ME AT GELE’S AND ANTHONY’S WEDDING:

Joe and Malcolm are like, “We should throw a party!” and Joe’s virgin ass is like, “I KNOW JUST THE THEME”—and that’s how they end up having a pirate themed party. Joe, if selling pot doesn’t work out for you, you may have a career in planning toddler’s birthday parties. What’s next?  themed?

Suddenly they all have fuckin’ Jack Sparrow costumes? What is the packing list MTV provides for this show? Deodorant, underwear, PEG LEG AND PUFFY WHITE SHIRT.

ALL THE MEN IN THE HOUSE:

Jada is like, “Clinton could be my baby daddy! Clinton could be my husband!” I like how baby daddy comes first. Jada, you should ask the Kardashians to adopt you. You seem to have similar priorities.

Everyone is like, “Where is DD?” and she’s like, “I’M GOING TO MAKE A FASHION STATEMENT!!!!” Bitch, everyone is in vests and eye patches. Like, you really think someone is going to be like, “OMG great outfit!” They are for real trying not to throw up on their fake hooks.

Jada finds a great way to break the ice with Jesus-freak Clinton: force him into a lap dance! Jada tested, God approved. While Jada aggressively shakes her ass on Clinton, leading him into temptation (ayeeee, prayer jokes), Uche is sitting there in a fucking wench costume like “this blows.” Great party, Joe!

DD apparently decided to hand sew her whole outfit and is taking forever to get the fuck down to the party. Nurys is like, “Okay DD, take your time, I’m going to grind on your man.” Don’t get me wrong, not a big fan of that approach, but like, wtf DD? Did you go out and spin the thread yourself? Get downstairs, you delusional betch.

Malcolm and Nurys start making out right as DD enters the room, wearing a very slutty onesie with fishnets. Somewhere in the distance you can hear Joe yell, “THAT DOESN’T EVEN MATCH THE THEME!”

DD gets mad and takes off her three-hour prepared outfit and goes outside to fight a punching bag. Takes one pilates class and suddenly thinks she’s Ronda Rousey.

Tyler is trying to get out of the friend zone by making pasta for the girls, which seems like a pretty good start. He’s apparently really into Nicole’s eyes, because, “They are like the ocean and [he wants] to swim in it.” All right, Nicolas Sparks.

Kareem is like, “I like Alivia and she’s hot, but my match needs to be more than hot.” Wow, how fucking profound and noble of you to want to date someone that is “hot, but also MORE.” You’re really a martyr for the cause.

Alivia is like, “Kareem is just my type. He looks like a mobster and there is just something about illegal crime syndicates that really turn me on.”

ALIVIA: I saw him and I immediately wanted to come to him on the day of his daughter’s wedding, if you know what I mean

Kareem starts having a deep talk with Alivia and she’s like, “That’s cool, but have you murdered anyone?”

MATCH-UP CEREMONY

The guys are up first, they introduce the blackout rule again, Terrence J makes a cringeworthy joke. All routine here.

Obviously, Kareem picks Alivia.

Anthony picks Geles.

Much like the hit TV show of his namesake, Malcolm is very much in the middle right now. On the one hand, he has Nurys, who is obsessed with him for no good reason, and on the other he has DD, who brings okay-ish looking outfits and feather-like punches to the table.

DD and Nurys start arguing about DD’s pirate outfit, because that’s really relevant. This argument has to be one of the dumbest things I have ever heard. The fact that, “Listen bitch, first of all, I wore a leotard to the pirate party, not lingerie,” is a real quote is incredible. I honestly don’t even need to write these recaps anymore.

Ethan is like, “Damn, Malcolm’s an asshole but the girls love him. So whose fault is that, really?” You’re all fucking morons, so let’s not point fingers.

Malcolm picks Nurys, because she “is a go-getter.” And it’s like, dude that’s a compliment you reserve for someone working hard at a job or at school, not who is the most willing to suck your dick.

Keith picks, “Alexis, for this week.”

He’s like, “I almost didn’t pick you,” and she’s, “Yeah, fuck you too.” Alexis is my fucking trailer trash queen. We all need friends that make you feel better about yourself and Alexis is that friend I need.

Joe picks Zoe to be his first matey.

Michael picks Keyana and they share a very staged kiss. She’s like, “I don’t want to say that I’m in love with Michael after 6 days.” And just fucking ends the sentence there. Michael can hide behind that pimply, far-too-chiseled face, but we all know deep down that he’s freaking the fuck out.

Ethan picks Jada who immediately talks about how much she would rather be with someone else. SOMEONE LOVE ETHAN, PLEASE.

She says she would rather be with Clinton, but Uche is “fused to one of his dreads.” Okay, as someone who gets paid to insult people, I gotta say, this is weak. Like DD punches weak. Jada I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.

Clinton picks Uche, fucking obviously.

Terrence J is like, “Hey, Jada is your friend,” and Uche is like, “No, that was rude, you don’t treat friends like that,” and Jada goes, “OKAY SNOWFLAKE—I INSULT YOU THREE TIMES ON NATIONAL TELEVISION FOR NO REASON AND SUDDENLY WE’RE NOT FRIENDS? I SEE HOW IT IS!” Damn, I haven’t seen someone with this amount of irrational logic since Tomi Lahren had a job at The Blaze. #tbt

Idk why Jada thinks soft-spoken, bible-thumpin’ Clinton is going to suddenly be into her after the fucking ghetto smack-down she just tried to put down. He’s like, four seconds away from throwing holy water on her and asking her to repent.

JADA: Maybe if I threaten to curb stomp Uche, it will make prophet Clinton see that we’re a perfect match!

The Shad picks Audrey.

Tyler picks Nicole.

Dimetri (who is hot and under-utilized) is with DD.

Shockingly, they get no blackout and aren’t entirely fuck-ups yet.

They end up with three beams, which is good for them, but bad for me. Success never bodes well in the recapping business.

BACK HOME

DD is still convinced that she and Malcolm are a match, because she’s going to make Malcolm “a better person,” which I’m really betting on, because that always works.

Michael is like, “I get into serious relationships really fast,” as he damn near proposes to Keyana. I think we need to address the real question here—Is Michael a live action Johnny Bravo? Why are his muscles so large but everything above his neck is shaped like a chode?

Keith is wondering if he likes Alexis or Zoe more. There are only so many basic white girls to choose from, and he needs to know that he’s picking the perfect partner to attend the next Toby Keith concert with him. Pressure is on.

THE CHALLENGE

Keith goes to the challenge in a USA crop top and jorts. Alexis’ white trash puss is feelin’ the heat right now, and she’s like, “If he had some boots on, we’d be going to the next Donald Trump rally together and making sweet, sweet AMERICAN BRED love.”

The challenge is for the dudes. They have a bunch of balloons set up on an archery course. The guys will shoot their arrows at a balloon that has one of the girl’s “goals” on it, and whoever the balloon reveals, that’s your date.

I say “goals” in quotes, because literally one is “go to a pole dancing class” and that’s not so much of a goal as it is a Groupon that your sister-in-law told you to buy for her bachelorette party.

Joe’s like, “Which girl is going to be the most likely to fuck me?” and then he sees someone whose goal is to be a Playboy bunny and he’s like, “That’ll do, Donkey.”

Shad is like, “I’m from the OC bruh, I’m cool with someone wanting to be a real housewife.” Yeah, I’m sure you are. That way you can sit on your ass, boasting the fugly haircut you have, while your hardworking wife has to throw drinks at someone on TV to bring home the bacon. *whispers* “Selfish bastard.”

Honestly, great goal. Anyway, he hits the balloon and it’s Uche! Weird, okay. Shad’s like, “Wait, who’s Uche?”

Alexis is like, “KEITH HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SHOOT ANIMALS FROM THE FRONT STEP OF OUR TRAILER IF YOU CAN’T HIT A BALLOON!?”

Joe hits Alexis’ balloon of being a Playboy bunny and he’s like “fuuuuuuck yes.” If she fucks her cousins, she’ll certainly fuck him. Meanwhile, Keith is in the corner, sadly chanting, “Lock her up.”

Anthony miraculously gets Geles which is good, because they needed to go into the truth booth like, yesterday. How many spiders died in the making of Gele’s eyelashes? I gotta know. How can she even see out of those things without having to brush them to the side like a curtain?

Keith quickly gets over Alexis going on a date and remembers there is more white trash in the sea and he can date Zoe.

Keith, like a fucking moron, tells Alexis that he’s going to hang out with Zoe tomorrow and she flips out while he laughs at her. Damn, I haven’t seen her this mad since Obama was inaugurated.

THE DATE

They go on a carriage ride and Geles is like “I’m nervous” for what? The horse that moves four mph? Girl, all you need to do is rip out one eyelash and you basically have a knife in your hands.

Joe and Alexis are throwing food like two heathens, and Alexis starts flirting and batting her lashes a mile a minute. Are you having a stroke? Someone get this hick medical attention! Alexis, what Obamacare-funded insurance provider are you on?!

Joe asks Alexis about Keith and she’s like, “Fuck that, he’s casually chatting with Zoe, so I’m going to make out with you.” And Joe legit throws a table to the floor and makes out with her.

THE SERVER AT THE RESTURANT WHEN JOE THROWS A TABLE:

While this shit show is all happening, everyone at the house is voting for Anthony and Geles.

Keith and Zoe actually do hang out, and it’s uncomfortable. I’ve never seen two people sit so far apart since Melania and Donald Trump at any given event.

Keith says he and Zoe have a connection, even though I’m pretty sure Nicole had a more meaningful relationship with Tyler’s pasta.

TRUTH BOOTH

Terrence J comes in for the truth booth and does his usual “fit in with the cool kids” routine.

TERRENCE J:

Joe straight-up is like, “I made out with Alexis,” and it’s like, damn okay, couldn’t just fucking hold that in for a hot second? Imagine what he’ll be like when he finally gets laid. Sky writers, sky writers everywhere.

Keith’s like, “Alexis is a hoe, so that’s kind of concerning.” What, you didn’t get that vibe when she fucked you two hours after knowing you?

Anthony and Geles get called into the truth booth, shocking.

They are like, “We’ve known each other for a week and if we’re not a match, idk what we’re going to do!!” Probably keep on living, that’s my guess.

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