Raise your hand if you’ve had a fuckboy in your life and lived to tell the tale?
Oooo pick me, pick me!!
For those of you out there yet to have the pleasure, a Fuckboy gets his name from his lack of respect for women and the ability to happily plough his way through them with zero plans for a relationship anytime in the near future. He’s the guy who’s on the constant lookout for a girl to Netflix and chill with but doesn’t actually own a laptop.
A real gem ladies.
But like all good love stories, everyone deserves a second chance. Even the Fuckboys among us.
So what happens when you find yourself up close and personal with a Fuckboy In Recovery and how the hell do you navigate these dirty waters?
I’ve got you.
Here are 8 Things A “Fuckboy In Recovery” Says and What He Really Means
1. “I’ve slept with X amount of women.”
Double it. Then take a deep breath and add 10 to that number because as much as I’m trying this whole honesty with women thing, truth be told I’m adamant that if I’m honest about my chequered past I’ll lose my shot with you. At least I care enough to lie though right?
2. “I’d never met the right girl until you.”
Oh I met her. I met one thousand of her! It’s just back then the thrill of the chase was way more exciting than the thought of cosy Sunday brunches with your Grandma. Sorry #notsorry
3. “I slept around so I’d never get hurt.”
I slept around so I’d never get hurt again. I’ve witnessed first hand the type of pain that goes hand in hand with love and I swore to myself I’d never go through it again. My hit and run of one-night stands was a way of sticking to that promise and the copious amount of girls were simply collateral damage.
4. “I’m sorry.”
I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now because I actually feel remorseful for the first time ever and kind of guilty whereas before, the word sorry was just something I threw around to keep the ladies on my roster in check. What even is this emotions business?
5. “I used to be a dick.”
I’ve always been a softie. I’ve just been hiding it beneath a bravado of excessive testosterone and alcohol fuelled 2am booty calls and now I’m figuring out how to go about sharing this side of myself without the use of a heart, winking face or excited monkey emoticon. It’s a whole new world.
6. “Let’s hold off meeting friends and family for now.”
I want to meet your loved ones but I’m also worried I’ve drunk sexed half your friendship group and your Dad will spot my scandalous past a mile off. I need to get into the swing of this monogamy business a little better first before throwing myself to the lions.
7. “Sorry I took so long to reply.”
I’ve abandoned my previous 24-hour rule for text replies and I’m still figuring out what the appropriate amount of time is to respond so as to appear interested but not desperate. Help a brother out?
8. “I think we should take things slow.”
Look I’d love nothing more than to put my dick in your mouth but I hear that girls really dig this chivalrous shit and I’m trying to put my best foot forward this time round okay.